Kami merilis “Submarine” dan “Bruises di tahun 2019

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Kami merilis “Submarine” dan “Bruises di tahun 2019
Gisela Swaragita atas nama Seahoarse


Ketika kami menyelesaikan album Magical Objects di tahun 2017, sebenarnya kami merekam 12 lagu.

Namun setelah melalui banyak pertimbangan, kami hanya menaruh 10 lagu di album tersebut.

“Submarine” diletakkan di belakang sebagai track tersembunyi, mengekor outro “Emily Grierson”. Sedangkan “Bruises” disimpan untuk diikutkan beberapa album kompilasi.

Tetapi, dalam rilis digital, “Submarine” tidak dimasukkan dan akhirnya tidak pernah didengar orang karena kebanyakan mereka yang membeli CD albumnya tetap hanya akan mendengarkan versi Spotify yang lebih mudah diputar.

Tahun lalu, akhirnya kami memutuskan untuk merilis “Bruises” dan “Submarine” secara digital.
Adit, pemain drum, dan Rudi, gitaris, bertugas menggambar dan merancang sampulnya.
Peran saya seharusnya adalah mengunggah materi-materi tersebut, dan menulis rilis media serta pengumuman media sosial.

Namun, saya tidak pernah selesai menulisnya.

“Bruises” dan “Submarine” adalah dua lagu yang teramat, amat sedih dan ditulis ketika saya sedang megap-megap terkubur longsoran perasaan saya sendiri gara-gara quarter life crisis.
Sungguh berat harus mengingat-ingat lagi momen-momen saya menulis lagu dengan bahan bakar kesedihan, apalagi setelah tumbuh dewasa dan sadar bahwa masalah-masalah saya bukanlah pusat semesta.

Terlebih, setelah bertahun-tahun tidak bermusik, saya semakin hari semakin asing dengan lagu-lagu saya sendiri.

Seahoarse terakhir manggung di September 2017, sehari sebelum saya hijrah ke Jakarta untuk memulai karir jurnalisme. Setelahnya, saya selalu malu kalau ada teman baru di sini yang mengenali saya sebagai “mbak Seahoarse”, karena saya merasa menghubung-hubungkan identitas saya dengan band ini tidaklah lagi relevan.

Lagu-lagu itu akhirnya nangkring di Spotify dan di toko-toko digital, tanpa didampingi pengumuman apapun yang membuat mereka terdengar keberadaannya. 

Draft rilis medianya pun nangkring di belakang kepala saya selama berbulan-bulan, hanya menjadi rasa gatal yang akhirnya terbiasa saya abaikan.

Lagi-lagi, kedua lagu tersebut teracuhkan dan tidak didengarkan oleh kuping-kuping terpenting di komunitas musik, mungkin karena saya terlalu malu dan malas ngomonginnya, atau mungkin karena lagunya memang tidak bagus-bagus amat.

Tapi, minggu lalu, lagi-lagi saya berkubang dalam kesedihan gara-gara saya mau ulang tahun ke 30 dan ditambah lagi baru saja patah hati.

Setelah bertahun-tahun menjadi pemudi, saya tahu bagaimana caranya mengatasi melankolia putus cinta. Namun ulang tahun adalah hari yang sungguh sepi dan saya tidak pernah berhasil menguasainya.

Biasanya kalau saya lagi kalut begitu, saya akan setel Spotify ke mode pribadi dan mendengarkan Magical Objects untuk menyuntikkan sedikit rasa percaya diri, tapi sekarang lagu-lagu di album itu cuma mengingatkan saya pada para mantan nggak berguna di masa lalu.

Sementara saya terbaring meringkuk di lantai dingin kos-kosan saya yang terletak di zona merah pandemi COVID-19, saya berpikir mungkin ini adalah waktu yang tepat untuk kembali mengunjungi “Submarine” dan “Bruises”.

“Submarine” adalah salah satu lagu pertama yang ditulis Seahoarse. Saya tidak ingat mengapa saya beri tajuk lagu itu “Kapal Selam”, mungkin waktu itu saya lagi ngelantur banget atau mungkin waktu itu saya lagi pengen tenggelam dan nggak ditemukan orang lagi.

Di lagu itu, saya ngomongin betapa enaknya kalau bisa balik ke umur 5 ketika tiada apapun untuk dikuatirkan kecuali gigi depan saya yang tonggos mirip kelinci.

Liriknya ditulis dalam Bahasa Inggris dengan sintaks yang salah kaprah dan bikin malu, tapi saya suka sekali sama permainan manis glockenspiel teman kami Margareta Danastri.

“Bruises”, sebaliknya, adalah salah satu lagu Seahoarse yang terakhir digarap. Saya menulis liriknya ketika perasaan saya sedang babak belur, pengar, dan sangat marah gara-gara sesuatu yang sekarang sudah tidak saya ingat lagi setelah tiga tahun.

Mendengarkan kedua lagu itu lagi sekarang membuat saya sadar bahwa menerima kesedihan adalah konsep yang asing untuk saya sekarang. Mungkinkah itu bagian dari tumbuh dewasa?

Kini semua anggota asli Seahoarse sudah berumur lebih dari 30 tahun. Tuntutan kedewasaan membuat kami terbiasa menertawai kesialan dan pikiran-pikiran kelam, meletakkannya di bagian belakang kepala kami sampai menjelma rasa gatal yang gampang diabaikan.

Betapa sulitnya kini merangkul melankolia, bukannya mengatasinya. 

Karenanya, fakta bahwa kami pernah membikin lagu sedih yang ga enak buat moshing ternyata mengejutkan buat saya sekarang.

Ternyata sangat penting untuk menggauli kesedihan ketika dipaparkan pada keadaan di luar kendali, seperti ketika tiba-tiba pacarmu meninggalkanmu atau ketika tiba-tiba kamu akan ulang tahun ke 30.

Ternyata, melankolia adalah satu-satunya kenyamanan yang bisa didekap ketika kamu meringkuk di lantai dingin, babak belur dihajar badai perasaanmu sendiri.

We released “Submarine” and “Bruises” in 2019
Gisela Swaragita on behalf of Seahoarse

When we wrapped Magical Objects back in 2017 with Kolibri Rekords, we had 12 songs recorded.

After thorough consideration, we decided to only  include 10 songs on the album, with “Submarine” included as a secret track on the CD, following the album’s outro “Emily Grierson”.  Meanwhile, “Bruises” was kept to be involved in several compilation albums.

However, “Submarine” was not included on the digital release and went mostly unheard of as even people who bought the CD would still listen on Spotify, due to convenience. 

Last year, we decided to release the two songs “Bruises” and “Submarine” in digital format. 
Adit, the drummer, drew the covers, and Rudi, the guitar player, designed them. My role was to upload the materials, as well as to write the press release and social media announcement. However, I never finished writing it.

“Bruises” and “Submarine” are very, very sad songs and were written while I was overwhelmed by an avalanche of feelings amidst extended quarter life crisis.

It was not easy to relive the moments when I wrote the sadness-fueled songs, especially after maturing and realizing that my predicaments are not the center of the universe. 

Moreover, after years of not making music and not performing on stage I have become more and more foreign to my own music.

Our last show was in Sept. 2017, the day before I moved to Jakarta to begin my career as a journalist. Since then, I always felt a pinch of embarrassment when someone recognizes me as “the girl from Seahoarse”, as I don’t feel like it is relevant anymore to associate my identity with the band. 

The two new songs were on Spotify and other digital stores, but with no accompanying announcement letting the world know of their existence. The draft of the press release sat in the back of my head for months and just became an itch that I used to ignore. 

Again, the songs were abandoned and not listened to by the important ears of the music community, because, maybe I was too lazy to talk about them, and maybe because they are not that good anyway.


Last week, I was again buried in another avalanche of feelings as my 30th birthday approached and I was suffering a fresh heartache. 

After years of being a young adult, I know the drill on how to overcome the melancholia of heartbreak and abandonment, but birthdays are the loneliest days of the year and I may never master the art of getting over them. 

Usually when I felt that way I would turn my Spotify to private and listened to Magical Objects to get an injection of self esteem, but now it only reminded me of the useless ex-boyfriends I whined about in the songs.

As I laid in a fetal position on the cold floor of my rented bedroom within the red-zone area of COVID-19 pandemic, I told myself that it was now the right time to talk about “Submarine” and “Bruises”. 

“Submarine” was one of the earliest songs I wrote with Seahoarse. I don’t remember why I named it “Submarine.” Maybe at that time I was mumbling or maybe I just wanted to drown and never be found. In the song, I talk about how I wanted to just go back to the time when I was 5, when my only worry was my ugly front teeth. The lyrics are embarrassingly, syntactically incorrect, but I love our friend Margareta Danastri’s sweet glockenspiel part. 
“Bruises,” on the other hand, was one of the most recent songs Seahoarse completed. I wrote the lyrics when I was mentally black and blue, inconsolable, and angry about something that I no longer remember now after three years.


Listening to these two songs again today made me realize that embracing sadness is a foreign concept for me now. 

Maybe it’s just a part of getting older?  

All the founding members of Seahoarse are now 30 and above. We have grown used to the idea of laughing off misfortunes and morbid thoughts, pushing them to the back of our minds until they become an itch that we become used to ignoring. 

It’s difficult now to celebrate melancholia instead of trying to contain it. The fact that we wrote un-mosh-able, sad songs when we were younger surprises me. 

Turns out, it is imperative to be familiar with sadness when you encounter unfortunate events you have no control over, such as lovers leaving you or time speeding up to your 30th birthday. 

Turns out, melancholia is the only reliable comfort you can reach for when you are laying in a fetal position on the cold floor, mentally black and blue amidst a hurricane of emotions. 



“Submarine”



Lyrics: Gisela Swara Gita Andika
Music: Seahoarse
Glockenspiel: Margareta Danastri

“Bruises”


Lirics: Gisela Swara Gita Andika
Music: Seahoarse

“Submarine” and “Bruises” were produced by Seahoarse.
Recorded, mixed, and mastered by Sasi Kirono at Satrio Piningit Studio
Cover art by Aditya Putra
Cover design by Rudy Yulianto

Seahoarse are
Gisela Swaragita (vocals, bass)
Aditya Putra (drums)
Rudi Yulianto (guitars)
Judha Herdanta (guitars)

Home and In-Between-Moments

This essay is written as a companion to a mixtape I submit to 100.000 Recs with James Russel Fritsch.

It is posted here only because it exceeds the Mixcloud word count limit.

Home and In-Between-Moments

“Sudah lahir sudah terlanjur. Mengapa harus menyesal”

I have never really appreciated how peaceful it was to see Mount Merapi every time I saw North prior to my move to Jakarta to work at a national newspaper in 2017.

It’s been almost two years now and I always miss Jogja every single day of my life in the Big Durian.

I failed to make myself at home here. I still can’t speak the “gue-elo” dialect over the fear that I would sound Javanese and made myself even more a fool than what I already am. 

Of course new friends and lovers eventually come along, making living in Jakarta more exciting. These people, good people with good hearts who show me good times, are the ones I rely on to experience the gentle parts of the city.

But still, when I am alone and find myself in the in-between-moments —moments when there are no concerts, no exciting projects, no meaningful conversations —I feel like the city’s noisy silence as deafening and unbearable.

Should I always be around people all the time to feel at home?

Last week was the last time I went back to Jogja. On my last day there I took my mom to my favorite coffee shop, the one I often went to when I wanted to escape from home, long ago when I was younger and even more confused than now.

Over coffee (and smoothies for her) we spoke about “Apatis”, her old favorite song written in the 70s. The song became my new favorite when Jakarta musician Mondo Gascaro reworked it for Garin Nugroho’s film Memories of My Body. 

My mother did not cry when my brother got married, but she did that night when she saw me packing for my flight back to Jakarta.

Seeing the city lights from the plane’s window, I remembered the lyrics to the “Apatis”

“Roda-roda terus berputar, tanda masih ada hidup”

When I arrived at my rented bedroom in South Jakarta, I gathered these songs for the mixtape: the songs that —in my younger years I thought—sound like Jakarta, and the songs that I think sound like home.

These songs are gentle reminders for me to be brave in spreading my stems without forgetting my roots. Reminders that whenever  lonesome-fueled suicidal thoughts come to visit me during the in-between-moments, there is a home 500 kilometers away from here where songs of my childhood are still played. 

Home where I can see the blue mountain whenever I see North.

1. Mondo Gascaro - Apatis
2. Fariz RM - Sakura
3. Weezer - Worry Rock
4. The Adams - Konservatif
5. Rumah Sakit - Pop Kinetik
6. Monkey to Millionaire - Strange is the Song in Our Conversation
7. Tripping Junkie - Souvenir Abad Batu
8. Oh Nina - Shiny Day
9. Individual Life - Metropolis
10. Zoo - Gisa-Gisa

Gisela Swaragita

Writes for The Jakarta Post. Sings, plays bass, and writes songs for Seahoarse.

Linear Notes - Seahoarse Live at Appleseed

Linear Notes

Seahoarse Live at Appleseed

Gisela Swaragita

Pada suatu siang yang bosan, saya pergi ke salon langganan untuk potong rambut seperti Melody Prochet, penyanyi cantik pentolan band dream pop/psikadelik Perancis, Melody’s Echo Chamber. Waktu itu saya sedang suka sekali dengan “Some Time Alone, Alone” dari MEC, lagu yang kebetulan saya temukan di 8tracks di suatu siang yang juga bosan. Saya sering bosan belakangan dan sering kepikiran, “Gimana ya kalau saya bisa punya band di mana saya jadi vokalis dan nyanyiin kover lagu-lagu kesukaan saya?”

Antri potong rambut di salon itu lama sekali, bisa berjam-jam karena kapsternya sedikit dan pelanggannya banyak.Saya duduk terpekur bersama mbak-mbak lainnya yang antri untuk dipotong rambutnya atau dipijit badannya atau dipencetin komedonya. Tiba-tiba ada salah satu mbak-mbak yang menyapa saya dengan hangat. Ternyata dia Fransiska Ayu (Leftyfish, KOJ, BAC) yang juga antri potong rambut dalam rangka quality time sama mamanya. Lama tidak bertemu, kami jadi cipika cipiki dan ngobrol. Ayu bilang ada temannya yang butuh pemain bass. Band itu bernama Fault Age dan mereka terinfluens band indie rock Yuck. Karena saya suka Yuck dan sedang sangat bosan, saya iyakan saja tawaran Ayu untuk membagi kontak dengan temannya itu.

Beberapa hari kemudian, dengan rambut yang sudah jadi bob nungging panjang,saya bertemu dengan Adit dan Rudi dari Fault Age untuk pertama kalinya di warung kopi Jocmart. Saya sudah mendengarkan tiga lagu Fault Age dan saya nggak suka. Bagus, rapi dan serius, tapi bukan musik yang ingin saya mainkan. Tapi Adit dan Rudi bilang, mari kita ngejam dulu, pilihlah lagu yang pengen kamu kerjakandan jadilah vokalisnya!Saat itulah saya merasakan the aha moment:mungkin ini dia jawaban dari semua kebosanan saya! Akhirnya beberapa hari kemudian kami ngejam memainkan lagu-lagu yang saya pilihkan dari Beach Fossils, Yuck, Seapony, Deerhunter, dan tentu saja Melody’s Echo Chamber. Latihan pertama sangat menyenangkan, dan kami memutuskan untuk terus! Beberapa hari kemudian saya mengontak teman saya, Mahamboro, untuk main gitar menjadi tandem Rudi. Maham adalah pemain piano dan klarinet yang sudah sering ikut orkestra ke mana-mana, tapi juga suka main noise yang kasar pakai gitar dan suka musik psikadelik. Awal tahun ini Maham dan saya bikin kover lagu “Kemarau, Bunda, dan Iblis” dari Rabu untuk Mindblasting Netlabel. Pada suatu malam di bulan April 2015 kami berempat duduk di Jocmart untuk pertama kalinya. Lalu setelah bercangkir-cangkir kopi dan berjam-jam membolak-balik segala kamus dan referensi, kami memutuskan untuk bernama Seahoarse.

Tidak butuh waktu lama buat kami berempat untuk menjadi akrab. Nongkrong nggak jelas menjadi rutin dan teman-teman saya perlahan menjadi teman-teman mereka juga. Selain sangat mudah untuk menjadi teman, Adit, Rudi, dan Maham adalah tiga musisi dengan kemampuan yang sangat mumpuni. Saya jadi merasa aman mengajak mereka mengeksplorasi aransemen dan malah saya sering terkejut dengan hasil eksperimentasi yang mereka keluarkan. Mereka sangat terbuka dengan referensi-referensi saya. Sangat senang akhirnya lagu-lagu favorit yang biasanya hanya bisa saya nyanyikan di kamar mandi bisa saya mainkan bersama orang-orang lain di studio beneran. Bersama Seahoarse saya juga jadi tahu susah gampangnya bikin lagu, cara mengakali karakter vokal biar nggak busuk-busuk amat, dan yang paling penting, belajar pede dengan karya sendiri. Sejak main musik di tahun 2007, baru pertama kali saya ngeband dengan orang-orang yang percaya dengan haluan musikal yang saya arahkan, yang mau-maunya mainin lagu yang saya karang sambil mewek di kamar. Bahwa saya percaya dengan bakat mereka, dan mereka percaya dengan selera saya adalah hal yang penting yang membuat Seahoarse berbunyi seperti ini.

Ketika akhirnya kami main untuk pertama kalinya di Appleseed, 30 Mei 2015, kami beruntung Horseriding Records menyediakan perekaman audio yang membuat kami bisa merefleksi seperti apa sih musik kami sebenarnya kalau ditaruh di atas panggung. Mendengarkannya lagi berempat di kamar tidur Maham yang sempit, kami mengukur jarak dari titik kami sekarang ke apa yang ingin kami capai. Manggung buat kami saat ini masih menjadi laboratorium eksperimen dan ruang latihan yang lain. Kami masih belajar bernyanyi dengan satu sama lain, masih belajar mengakali groginya ditonton, masih belajar supaya enak ditonton, masih belajar supaya bisa suka dengan apa yang kami buat sendiri. Seahoarse yang terekam lewat lima lagu ini adalah cikal bakal dari apa yang ingin kami capai nanti. Kami pikir Seahoarse yang main di Appleseed itu masih purwarupa dari Seahoarse yang akan kalian tonton di panggung-panggung berikutnya. Semoga kalian terpagut dengan purwarupa ini, dan terus tertarik melihat akan menjadi apa Seahoarse nanti.

Seahoarse – loner noise pop whatever

Gisela Swaragita – vokal, bass

Mahamboro – gitar

Rudi Yulianto – gitar

Aditya Putra – drum

Twitter @seahoarse_

Instagram @seahoarse

Live at Appleseed:

1. Intro – Agoraphobia (Deerhunter Cover)

2. Across the Table

3. Sugar Cave

4. So Low (Seapony Cover)

5. Some Time Alone, Alone (Melody’s Echo Chamber Cover)

Download via Ear Alert Records

http://earalertrecords.blogspot.co.id/2015/08/ear66-seahoarse-live-at-appleseed-2015.html

Cherry, the Candy Apple Precision Skylark

Saya masih kelas 3 SMA waktu saya beli bass precision berwarna merah terang bermerk Skylark di Gramedia. Warna merahnya paling terang di antara yang lain, mencolok mata walau dia digantung dijejerkan dengan bass-bass elektrik lainnya di dinding belakang konter. Waktu itu pengetahuan saya tentang band-band-an dan instrumen masih nol. Saya tidak tahu apakah dia nyaman dan presisi untuk gaya bermain saya karena saya memang belum punya gaya bermain waktu itu. Saya tidak tahu apakah soundnya bagus atau tidak karena saya belum punya sound yang saya inginkan waktu itu. Tapi warnanya merah dan difoto bagus dan minggu depannya ada manggung perdana, jadi saya beli. Beli bass di toko buku memang ganjil, tapi si Cherry, si bass perdana yang darurat ini, ternyata sangat setia dan menyenangkan.

Memang aneh baper sama barang, tapi si Cherry ini penting sekali dalam perjalanan hidup dan ngegigs selama 8 tahun terakhir ini. Dia bass pertama saya, dan saya belum pernah upgrade. Otomatis, Cherry melihat pertumbuhan musikal saya sebagai pemain bass -dari yang bener-bener nggak bisa sampai jadi seperti sekarang. Cherry juga menyaksikan langkah-langkah saya melewati berbagai stepping stone; menemani dari satu venue ke venue lainnya, bertemu orang-orang menarik dan menyenangkan, memainkan lagu-lagu favorit dengan teman-teman terbaik...

Cherry memang bukan item pilihan di kelasnya. Necknya berat, terlalu gendut untuk tangan saya, dan kayunya butuh bertahun-tahun sebelum matang. Jenis kayu body-nya masih misteri. Tapi malah karena kelasnya itu, dia menjadi bass perdana yang sempurna untuk jadi eksperimen. Banyak hal gegabah yang saya lakukan ke Cherry, misalnya membolong body-nya untuk menanam pick up EMG HZ di daerah bridge nya, menandatangani bagian belakang headstock-nya, mencabut potensio tone-nya, dan menempelkan huruf G merah norak di pick guard-nya.

Tapi di luar itu semua, Cherry selalu enak dilihat dan sering menjadi bagian penting foto-foto kesukaan saya. Warna merahnya yang menggaet mata saya dulu itu belum pudar, dan masih sangat cantik bersama pick-guard putih dan pick-up putih yang sudah mati itu. Strap merahnya dipatenkan supaya nggak copot-copot kalau dipakai, tapi memang sering belibet di punggung. Strap itu terlalu kecil sampai pundak kiri saya sering sakit, tapi strap itu tetap asik dengan tiga button pin band skin head kesukaan saya dulu plus tempat pick yang selalu bisa diandalkan. Ada empat huruf chord di dekat setiap tuner yang ditempelkan dulu di tahun-tahun pertama saya main bass, supaya tidak lupa dengan urutan penyeteman. Dengan pick-up humbucker-nya suara Mbak Cherry agak terlalu sangar untuk band indie pop dan twee pop yang saya mainkan. Plihan soundnya sangat terbatas karena pick up-nya cuma satu dan tidak ada tone-nya. Bener-bener bass yang gitu doang.

Namun demikianlah dia, si medioker yang menonjol. Si Cherry tidak perlu jadi bass kelas atas untuk punya tempat di skena. Dia akan selalu menggaet mata, seperti saya yang masih SMA dulu membelinya karena warnanya. Tidak pakai studi banding ke berbagai toko musik. Tidak pakai nongkrongin video-video review dan unboxing di Youtube. Tidak perlu pakai jereng membaca debat kusir di forum-forum gear freaks.

Saya beruntung belajar main musik dengan Cherry. Tadi sore saya beli bass baru, namanya Butterscotch. Cherry akan pensiun dan nongkrong bersandar di tembok sudut kamar sementara saya terus latihan dan ngegigs sama Butterscotch. Gigs terakhir Cherry adalah The 1990ish bersama Seahoarse. Makasih banyak Cherry :)

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us!

Kurt Cobain is larger than life and our culture is obsessed with dead musicians, said Frances Bean Cobain to Rolling Stone in an interview upon the release of Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck. Frances Cobain was an intern in the Rolling Stone magazine when she was 15, providing research assistance for articles about Jonas Brothers and the like, in a cubicle working desk across a giant poster of her dad. She said he is inescapable, and it is true. Even so, if you’re an ordinary citizen who happens to be a music fan, you would not attempt to escape him. You would look for him. I remember the time when I was 14 and making a Friendster profile page. My profile picture was the 7-year-old Frances Cobain, holding a broken guitar neck. I remember wondering that in another part of the world was a girl around my age being the daughter of Kurt Cobain. How would her life be? 

Nirvana was a staple for my earliest serious exposure to music. With serious I mean I distinct the way I consume this music with the way I am exposed to my dad’s karaoke VCDs or my Mom’s The Beatles collection that me and my brother have no choice other than to listen to during breakfast before school. When I was 10 and my brother 14, we listened to Nevermind and MTV Unplugged for the first time. We would watch the pirated 1991: The Year Punk Broke without subtitles and without knowing what it was actually about. “About a Girl” is one of the first songs we play with a guitar.  Some kids have Metallica, some kids have Guns ‘n Roses, but we have Nirvana. The greatness of Nirvana’s music and Kurt Cobain’s tragic life is overarching for my and my brother’s musical tendency, and that does not make us special. There are millions of other kids out there that do covers of “Breed” in their very first bands, play In Utero during their first sex, and indifferently play MTV Unplugged as a comfort-music at the end of a very long, tiring day.

For 21 years after his death people like me are still interested about the Kurt Cobain universe. Kurt Cobain nerds are not necessarily grunge kids; I don’t feel obliged to dive into the 90s Seattle scene and listen to Mudhoney. Kids like me are the target market to the commercialization of the life of our very own idol. We are the reason why Kurt Cobain’s life have been cultivated and exploited in any possible way. An uncountable number of books and films have been written about his life. In 2006 Kurt Cobain replaced Elvis Presley as the top earning deceased celebrity. We will still consume Kurt Cobain’s works that are released posthumously for our love for him, and Courtney Love still can afford another Botox injection.

I own a copy of Heavier than Heaven (2001) by Charles Cross and loved it. The book confirmed my imagination of the tragic hero, the mythological representation of the rock star who determined what musical world should be for me: loud, noir, destructive, full of either angst or ecstasy and written by junkies. I was annoyed when I learned the fact that Heavier than Heaven is presumably Courtney Love’s version of Kurt Cobain’s life. Courtney Love; the villainous female, the demon counterpart, the opportunist widow, was the catalyst to his lethal, explosive formula. She owns the rights to Kurt Cobain’s archive of drawings, recordings, writings, and diaries. She provided the ingredients to a beautiful collage of anecdotes and myths to build the story plot of the life of the idol for millions. The book put the myths and facts in one plane and brought him into a higher pedestal in the altar of rock ‘n roll icons.

Having experienced with Heavier than Heaven, I was more prepared when I watched Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck (2015). The doco was directed by Brett Morgen and involved Frances Bean Cobain as the executive producer. Now a 22 year-old visual artist with celestial genes of her rock star parents, the movie is her debut to public. And the film is beautiful. It is beautiful.

This film proves that the wisest perspective to watch it is with the attitude of “enjoy it, don’t believe it”. Although Buzz Osbourne refers to the movie as a romanticized crazy-talk for glassy-eyed, stoned teenagers and pathetic, middle-aged rock ‘n roll morons, I still think it is a cool work of art. It is a super-Hollywood 120 minutes collage of Kurt Cobain’s artworks in any form that totally show how great he is as a musician, poet, visual artist, and just artist in general. I love the animation made through his drawings and the animation made to match his recorded speech. I love the scoring. Nirvana songs are great soundtrack to riots and destruction, and they are put together well with the footage. I also love it when they put the scenes of Over the Edge (1979) with Nirvana’s “School”. Kurt’s screaming “NO RECESS!” is just so in tune with the destruction made by the students in the movie. I also love how they get rid of the music at the end part of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” so that it highlights Kurt’s singing “A DENIAL!” to the top of his lungs. In heartwarming scenes they put slow cover versions of Nirvana songs or Kurt’s acoustic humming. I love those scenes; especially the home video footage of the little Kurt. There is this scene of the toddler Kurt smiles to the camera and offers crackers to the camera person; and a scene when the same toddler says proudly to the camera “I am Kurt Cobain!” without knowing what the name would mean to the world years later.

However, like Heavier than Heaven, the film depicts Kurt Cobain as a character with a suicidal fate haunting his whole life. It is a Greek tragedy: the audience already know that the hero will die at the end of the story. It is a movie about a man destined to live the roller coaster of rock ‘n roll that ends in a tragic death. The movie starts with an angelic lovely child whose world seemed to collapse after the divorce of his parents. Afterwards, the movie mainly talks about the sadness, anger, destructive behavior, stomach problems, and disappointments he faced for years that then led him to take his own life.  It is a story that tells what happens if all kinds of teenage angst condensed in 27 years lived by a single character. This character exposes bizarre sexuality instead of only exploring it. He is a full-on junkie who goes beyond substance experimentation. He is drown in a pool of depression instead of episodes of bad moods. He really kills himself as a series of clumsy suicide attempts fail to rehabilitate him. Kurt Cobain is a round character, like a main protagonist in fictions. He is as dramatic as Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker.

Besides, his lyrics and music are harsh yet popular, as it sings the same tune as teenage heartstrings. With the combination of the beyond interesting character and the soundtrack-of-your-life music, he fits the title as the spokesman of the disaffected generation. Not only for the Generation X from which he came from, but also the Millennials like me who was born around the time of his death, who experience 90s music scene only through bootlegs and cassettes (yet that what makes it very exotic to us). I remember I was in middle school and loving “You Know You’re Right” that was released over a decade after Kurt’s death. Despite the fact that the song was written in the 90s, the sound was still relevant to the year 2000s and made good reviews in the corporate magazines Kurt hated.

Messiah Cobain. He endured the torture of the greatness and fame so we, fans, can feel the cathartic pleasure of consuming rock ‘n roll and praise him. If Montage of Heck is a true depiction of who he is, I believe he would hate it. They say he hated fame, he hated being praised and being ridiculed. He did not want to be a rock star, he just wanted Nirvana to be successful. I believe he preferred people (((strangers))) to watch his band's rehearsal tapes rather than his hideous home videos starring half-naked Courtney Love. I believe he would rest in more peace if we stick to the fact of how dedicated he was to his art and how talented he was as an artist. Because unlike Sid Vicious, he really made good music. But fans want juicy, intimate stories of real life tragic heroes. So like the crowd in the music video of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, we stand together and sing, “HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US!”

The movie rapes his head-blown corpse, exploits the most intimate bits of his life to feed his fans with beautified, grotesque image of him. His story has been one of the most classic rock ‘n roll story, and we love it. We rape him together and we love it