Home and In-Between-Moments

This essay is written as a companion to a mixtape I submit to 100.000 Recs with James Russel Fritsch.

It is posted here only because it exceeds the Mixcloud word count limit.

Home and In-Between-Moments

“Sudah lahir sudah terlanjur. Mengapa harus menyesal”

I have never really appreciated how peaceful it was to see Mount Merapi every time I saw North prior to my move to Jakarta to work at a national newspaper in 2017.

It’s been almost two years now and I always miss Jogja every single day of my life in the Big Durian.

I failed to make myself at home here. I still can’t speak the “gue-elo” dialect over the fear that I would sound Javanese and made myself even more a fool than what I already am. 

Of course new friends and lovers eventually come along, making living in Jakarta more exciting. These people, good people with good hearts who show me good times, are the ones I rely on to experience the gentle parts of the city.

But still, when I am alone and find myself in the in-between-moments —moments when there are no concerts, no exciting projects, no meaningful conversations —I feel like the city’s noisy silence as deafening and unbearable.

Should I always be around people all the time to feel at home?

Last week was the last time I went back to Jogja. On my last day there I took my mom to my favorite coffee shop, the one I often went to when I wanted to escape from home, long ago when I was younger and even more confused than now.

Over coffee (and smoothies for her) we spoke about “Apatis”, her old favorite song written in the 70s. The song became my new favorite when Jakarta musician Mondo Gascaro reworked it for Garin Nugroho’s film Memories of My Body. 

My mother did not cry when my brother got married, but she did that night when she saw me packing for my flight back to Jakarta.

Seeing the city lights from the plane’s window, I remembered the lyrics to the “Apatis”

“Roda-roda terus berputar, tanda masih ada hidup”

When I arrived at my rented bedroom in South Jakarta, I gathered these songs for the mixtape: the songs that —in my younger years I thought—sound like Jakarta, and the songs that I think sound like home.

These songs are gentle reminders for me to be brave in spreading my stems without forgetting my roots. Reminders that whenever  lonesome-fueled suicidal thoughts come to visit me during the in-between-moments, there is a home 500 kilometers away from here where songs of my childhood are still played. 

Home where I can see the blue mountain whenever I see North.

1. Mondo Gascaro - Apatis
2. Fariz RM - Sakura
3. Weezer - Worry Rock
4. The Adams - Konservatif
5. Rumah Sakit - Pop Kinetik
6. Monkey to Millionaire - Strange is the Song in Our Conversation
7. Tripping Junkie - Souvenir Abad Batu
8. Oh Nina - Shiny Day
9. Individual Life - Metropolis
10. Zoo - Gisa-Gisa

Gisela Swaragita

Writes for The Jakarta Post. Sings, plays bass, and writes songs for Seahoarse.